NOTHING RHYMED

If I give up the seat I've been saving

To some elderly lady or man

Am I being a good boy

Am I your pride and joy

Mother please if you're pleased say I am

And if while in the course of my duty

I perform an unfortunate take

Would you punish me so unbelievably so

Never again will I make that mistake

This feeling inside me could never deny me

The right to be wrong if I choose

And this pleasure I get

From say winning a bet is to lose

When I'm drinking my Bonaparte Shandy

Eating more than enough apple pies

Will I glance at my screen and see

Real human beings starve to death

Right in front of my eyes

Nothing old, nothing new, nothing ventured

Nothing gained, nothing still-born or lost

Nothing further than proof, nothing wilder than youth

Nothing older than time, nothing sweeter than wine

Nothing physically, recklessly, hopelessly blind

Nothing I couldn't say

Nothing why, 'cause today

Nothing rhymed

This feeling inside me could never deny me

The right to be wrong if I choose

And this pleasure I get

From say winning a bet is to lose

Nothing good, nothing bad, nothing ventured

Nothing gained, nothing still-born or lost

Nothing further than proof, nothing wilder than youth

Nothing older than time, nothing sweeter than wine

Nothing physically, recklessly, hopelessly blind

Nothing I couldn't say

Nothing why, 'cause today

Nothing rhymed

_{_________________________________________}

ALONE AGAIN (NATURALLY)

In a little while from now

If I’m not feeling any less sour

I promise myself to treat myself

And visit a nearby tower

And climbing to the top will throw myself off

In an effort to make it clear to who

Ever what it’s like when you’re shattered

Left standing in the lurch at a church

Where people saying "My God, that’s tough

She's stood him up

No point in us remaining

We may as well go home"

As I did on my own

Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday

I was cheerful, bright and gay

Looking forward to well who wouldn’t do

The role I was about to play

But as if to knock me down

Reality came around

And without so much, as a mere touch

Cut me into little pieces

Leaving me to doubt

Talk about God in his mercy

Who if he really does exist

Why did he desert me in my hour of need

I truly am indeed

Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that there are more hearts

Broken in the world that can’t be mended

Left unattended

What do we do? What do we do?

Alone again, naturally

Now looking back over the years

And whatever else that appears

I remember I cried when my father died

Never wishing to hide the tears

And at sixty-five years old

My mother, God rest her soul

Couldn’t understand why the only man

She had ever loved had been taken

Leaving her to start with a heart so badly broken

Despite encouragement from me

No words were ever spoken

And when she passed away

I cried and cried all day

Alone again, naturally

Alone again, naturally

_{_________________________________________}

CLAIR

Clair, the moment I met you I swear

I felt as if something somewhere

Had happened to me

Which I couldn't see

And then

The moment I met you again

I knew in my heart that we were friends

It had to be so

It couldn't be no

But try as hard as I might do I don't know why

You get to me in a way I can't describe

Words mean so little when you look up and smile

I don't care what people say

To me you're more than a child

Oh Clair, Clair

Clair, if ever a moment so rare

Was captured for all to compare

That moment is you

In all that you do

But why in spite of our age difference do I cry

Each time I leave you I feel I could die

Nothing means more to me than hearing you say

"I'm going to marry you

Will you marry me Uncle Ray?"

Oh Clair, Clair

Clair, I've told you before

Don't you dare

Get back into bed

Can't you see that it's late

No you can't have a drink

Oh, all right then but wait just a bit

While I, in an effort to baby sit

Catch of my breath what there is left of it

You can be murder at this hour of the day

But in the morning this hour

Will seem a lifetime away

Oh Clair, Clair

_{_________________________________________}

GET DOWN

Told you once before

And I won't tell you no more

Get down, get down, get down

You're a bad dog baby

But I still want you 'round

You give me the creeps

When you jump on your feet

So get down, get down, get down

Keep your hands to yourself

I'm strictly out of bounds

Once upon a time I drank a little wine

Was as happy as could be, happy as could be

Now I'm just like a cat on a hot tin roof

Baby what do you think you're doin' to me

Told you once before

And I won't tell you no more

So get down, get down, get down

You're a bad dog baby

But I still want you 'round around

I still want you around

aye aye aye

I don't give a damn

And I'd like you if you can to

Get down, get down, get down

You're bad dog baby

But I still want you 'round

Once upon a time I drank a little wine

Was as happy as could be, happy as could be

Now I'm just like a cat on a hot tin roof

Baby what do you think you're doin' to me

Told you once before

And I won't tell you no more

So get down, get down, get down

You're a bad dog baby

But I still want you 'round around

_{_________________________________________}

WE WILL

It's over now, you've had your fun

Get up them stairs go on quickly don't run

Take off your shoes the both of you's 

And leave them down outside the door

Turn the landing light off, no wait, leave it on it

It might make the night that much easier to be gone

And in the morning who'll be wide awake

And eating snow flakes oh as opposed to those flakes

(We will) we will (we will) we will

That afternoon we spend the day

With uncle Frank (remember?) and his wife auntie May

Well do you know since then I've received

Up to four letters all of which repeat the same, yeah yeah yeah

They say thrilled to bits, can't believe you came

We've relived it both over time and time again

And if there's ever a chance of even half

You might be our way would you promise to stay

(We will) we will (we will) we will

Yeah yeah yeah

Its not easy pretending that you cannot hear

Once you've suffered the affliction within

It's no use in an ending

To proclaim from the start 

That the moral of the story's to begin

On Sunday next if the weather holds

We'll have that game with I bagsy being in goal

Not because I'm good or because I think I should

It's just that well at my age I think standing still

Would really suit me best do we all agree?

Hands up those who do, hands up those who don't

I see well in that case

Will we please be kind enough

If not on Sunday, to go to mass on Monday

(We will) we will (we will ) we will yeah yeah yeah (we will)

_{_________________________________________}

NO MATTER HOW I TRY

No matter how I try

I just can't say goodbye

No matter what you say hey

Looks like I'm here to stay

No matter where I go

I don't know if you know

But everywhere we've been

I'm kept in quarantine

It's easy to see why

She's over six foot five

I'm only five feet two

Is there a tyre somewhere

That might take me as a spare?

Is there a bank in town

That might cash me as a pound?

Is there a place you know

Where I can up and go

It's easy to see why

She's over six foot five

I'm only five feet two

Is there a tyre somewhere

That might take me as a spare?

Is there a bank in town

That might cash me as a pound?

Is there a place you know

Where I can up and go

I remember our first anniversary

It was one of those occasions where believe you me

I would rather have been held ransom at the point of a gun

Then to suffer indignation for something I hadn't done

No matter how I try

I just can't say goodbye

No matter what you say

Looks like I'm here to stay

Looks like I'm here to stay

_{_________________________________________}

MATRIMONY

I've no wish to hurry you luv

But have you seen the time

It's quarter to ten and we're supposed to be there at nine

I don't think the registrar

Will be very pleased

When we show up an hour late

Like two frozen peas

Both now facing for the first time

Presently and past

Something that begins with M

And ends in alas

More than not complete disaster

Even from the start

What could it be

It's Matrimony

I know how you've dreamt about

Being walked down the aisle

But think of the money we'll save

And you'll see it's worthwhile

It won't please our mums and dads

But they don't even know,

Besides if they did what's the betting

They wouldn't even go

You and me are all that matters

Disregard the rest

Trust your soon to be old man

He knows what is best

Very shortly now there's gonna be

An answer from you

Then one from me

That's matrimony

I'm truly grateful for the little things in life

That have made me so glad

Every other hour that I spend with you

Is not in the least bit sad

Quite the opposite in fact

And if you don't believe me

Here's the proof

Ask me if I and I'll say "Aye, I do"

You and me are all that matters

Disregard the rest

Trust your soon to be old man

He knows what is best

Very shortly now there's gonna be

An answer from you

Then one from me

That's matrimony

Marriage the joining together of two people

For better or for worse

Till death them do part

Ole!

_{_________________________________________}

OUT OF THE QUESTION

One minute you say you will

And the next you won't

One minute you want me

And the next you don't

You're turning me upside down

Giving me the run around

Don't think that I don't know

I do

Don't think that I won't go

You watch me

It isn't out of the question

One minute you're kissing me

And the next you're not

One minute you remember

And the next you've forgot

I don't like it one little bit

You're giving me the slip

Don't think that I don't know I do

Don't think that I won't go

If you want me

It's really out of the question

Between us we could have conquered Everest

Sailed empty handed around the world

But no you couldn't wait

You had to go make the fatal mistake

Of leading me on

You silly girl that was wrong 

Don't think that I don't know

I do

Don't think that I won't go

You watch me

It isn't out of the question

One minute you're full of life

And the next you're sad

One minute you're marvellous

And the next you're bad

I don't like it one little bit

You keep giving me the slip

Don't think that I don't know

I do

Don't think that I won't go

If you want me

It's really out of the question

I'm doing my best and I don't know why

I'm giving her a call and there's no reply

She's getting me down till I can't get up

She's giving me hell and if that's not enough

She's breaking my heart nearly every day

Not only in pieces but every way

I'm sorry of course but the fault is hers

I'm doing my best and I don't know why etc.

_{_________________________________________}

OOH-WAKKA-DOO-WAKKA-DAY

I want to tell you

I might as well do

About a girl I met back in May

Her name is Rita

And you should see her

When she goes

Ooh-wakka-doo-wakka-day

She's got a brother

Like any other

Who got his nose caught

Inside a gate

And when they freed him

It so relieved him

He just went

Ooh-wakka-doo-wakka-day

You wouldn't think to look at me

That I was strong but underneath it all

I really am

And just prove it why only the other day

I picked a needle up with one hand

Now up in Bradford

A chap named Radford

While taking part in a local play

Was intercepted and then suspected of going

Ooh-wakka-doo-wakka-day-ay-ay-ay

Who's that lady I saw you with?

It was not your wife

It looked to me suspiciously like

Someone I have never seen before in my life

Do...do...do

It's not surprising when

You come to think of it

Just what it is that makes people swear

You only have to sing the wrong bleepin' thing

And there'll be bleeping every bleeping where

Now if you love me

You're not above me

And if you don't well

What can I say

Except we'll see when

You come to tea then

You can go

Ooh-wakka-doo

Wakka-ooh

Wakka-doo

Wakka-ooh

Wakka-doo

Wakka-day

_{_________________________________________}

WHY, OH WHY, OH WHY

Why is it you must be so very cruel to me

In order to me kind

Why when I hold you close do you insist your toes

Are being stood on by mine

Why when I kiss your lips do you astound me

Saying that you won't put your arms around me

No one should be that cold

Whatever I've done surely I've a right to know

Oh why, oh why, oh why

Why is it every time we visit friends of mine

You never want to go

Why when I'm feeling good you act as if

I should be at an all time low

Why after all these years we've been together

Must you behave as if we'd hardly ever spoken

Let alone met

It seems that you're happy as long as I'm upset

Oh why, oh why, oh why

Is it that you don't love me oh why

Have you just had enough of me oh why

Do I have cry myself to sleep

Seven days a week

Why in the name of God are you so angry

Could It be that you can no longer stand me

Tell me and I will go

You're breaking my heart just in case you didn't know

Oh why, oh why, oh why

_{_________________________________________}

WHO WAS IT?

Who was it that caught you falling

And put you back on your feet

Who was it that tripped you any way

(In order that the two of us would meet)

It was me and I'll tell you why

Oh I did it because of my

Pure unabashed devotion to loving you

Who was it that tried to kiss you

Despite a very definite no

And who was it that managed to succeed

(In getting it with your fist down below)

It was me and I'll tell you why

Oh I did it because of my

Pure unabashed devotion to loving

You and me both feel the same

We even look alike

And like it's a bloomin' shame

That because we do

People think we're you

Know what I mean

Who was it that came to see you

When there was no one else in sight

And who was it that stayed over an hour

(And not as I'd expected over night)

It was me and I'll tell you why

Oh I did it because of my

Pure unabashed devotion to loving

Pure unabashed devotion to loving

You, you, you, you

Who was it that caught you falling

_{_________________________________________}

OOH BABY

Ooh baby your love is so bad

You baby you're driving me mad

Ooh baby your kiss is so sweet

You baby knock me off my feet

Ooh baby I wish you were mine

Ooh baby we'd have a good time

Ooh what can I do

Ooh baby whatever you've got

You baby you're making me hot

Ooh baby my temperature is high

Ooh baby a hundred and five

Ooh baby I think that you'll find

Ooh baby I'm out of my mind

Ooh what can I do

I wish that there was some way

I could have you to myself

Wish I didn't have to share you

With anyone else (share you)

With anyone else (share you)

Ooh baby wherever you are

You baby will you be my star

Ooh baby I'm begging you please

Ooh baby down on my knees

Ooh baby why don't you say yes

Ooh baby I'll give you my best

Ooh what can I do

I wish that there was some way

I could have you to myself

Wish I didn't have to share you

With anyone else (share you)

With anyone else (share you)

Ooh baby your love is so bad

Ooh baby you're driving me mad

Ooh baby your kiss is so sweet

You baby knock me off my feet

Ooh baby I wish you were mine

Ooh baby we'd have a good time

Ooh what can I do

_{_________________________________________}

MISS MY LOVE TODAY

Miss my love today

As I miss the stars that shine above

Telling me one day my love

Will come to me again

Miss my love I'd say

Is the only thing that I can do

I just can't live with someone new

Reminding me of her

She said before she left

That she would return to me

Although it may take quite a

While I know

That she'll come back

And once again the time

To fall in love will still be mine

Till then I'll wait in morbid company

Miss my love I do

Just as one would miss both day

And night

Waiting here alone is not right

But what else can I do?

Miss my love today

As I miss the stars that shine above

Telling me one day my love

Will come to me again

She said before she left

That she would return to me

Although it may take quite a

While I know

That she'll come back

And once again the time

To fall in love will still be mine

Till then I'll wait in morbid company

Miss my love I do

Just as one would miss both day

And night

Sitting here alone is not right

But what else can I do?

Sitting here alone is not right

But what else can I do?

_{_________________________________________}

WHAT'S IN A KISS?

What's in a kiss?

Have you ever wondered just what it is

More perhaps than just a moment of bliss

Tell me what's in a kiss?

What's in a dream

Is it all the things you'd like to have been

All the places that you haven't yet seen

Tell me what's in a dream

I know it's really rather stupid of me

But I honestly don't know

Every time I try to find a solution

I'm surprised at how quickly I become so slow

What's in a kiss?

Have you ever wondered just what it is

More perhaps than just one moment of bliss

Tell me what's in a kiss?

And any time you need a light refreshment

Baby you can count on me

I am your very own delicatessen

Well equipped to supply you with your every need

Well what's in a kiss?

Have you ever wondered just what it is

More perhaps than just one moment of bliss

Tell me what's in a kiss?

Tell me what's in a kiss?

Tell me what's in a kiss?

_{_________________________________________}

SO WHAT

I was born and raised in Alabama

Well it sounds better than Leeds

Mama said the sooner you grow up

The sooner you can leave

And thus I came into existence

What else can I tell you

I could reminisce about the kiss

That really blew my mind

I could demonstrate how when I was eight

I celebrated nine

I could be young I might be old

I could be and if so

So what

Got my finger on the trigger

Whatever that's supposed to mean

Got my thumb caught in between the door

After which I screamed

It only hurts now when I suck it

What else can I tell you

Well its very sad to think you had

More money than good sense

Now you've lost it all you're back to call

On me you're oldest friend

I'm not a man who minces words

And if that sounds absurd

So what

Even if it's likely to become the flavour of the year

Demonstrating for the right to work is work that is sincere

There ain't no pride in being idle

What else can I tell you

Well I've been described as looking like a nothing of a man

Had my work reviewed by critics who dismiss me out of hand

They say I'm middle of the road

I say if that is so

So what

_{_________________________________________}

CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT

Hello...Ooh, is Mary there?

No

Well, if you see Mary

Will you tell her I called?

Tell her that I love her

And I'm sorry that's all

You see we had our very first quarrel today

I got really angry and I slapped her face

Now I'm sorry but what can I say

I love her so much

I can't think straight

My name is Peggy and I know how you feel

Same thing that happened to you did to me

I was so upset I couldn't sleep for a week

Finally he called boy was I relieved

Now I'm sorry but what can I say

You love her much you can't think straight

Love her much you can't think

What about people other than me?

What about those with nothing to eat?

How can I claim that life isn't fair?

What a pathetic sight I swear

If I could kick I'd kick

Myself of course and if

Listen to me look I know what I'm saying

I'm sure Mary is as much to blame

Well in that case

Why won't she answer the phone?

Don't try and tell me

She's not at home

I'm sorry but what can I say

I'm sorry but what can  I say

(We're sorry but what can we say)

I love her so much I can't think

What are we doing?

What have we done?

What in the world is going on?

Isn't it crazy looking so fine

Knowing that in as much time

As it takes to make a drink

We could all become as the dinosaur has

Nothing but extinct

And to top it all I hear

(That my rent is to be raised)

So if you see Mary

Will you tell her I called

Tell her that I love her

And I'm sorry that's all

And by the way thank you for being so kind

If I've taken up too much of your time

I'm sorry but what I can say

I'm sorry but what I can say

(We're sorry but what can we say)

I love her so much

I can't think

Love her so much

I can't think straight

_{_________________________________________}

DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU SICK (MORTAR AND BRICK)

Heart beat, low heat, no heat at all

Question unanswered and I recall

Haves that have no qualms what arses they lick

Doesn't it make you sick

One day Tuesday three days or more

Looked for a job saw one framed in a store

Rushed into buy it but I was too quick

Doesn't it make you sick

At no time in my mind are wheelchairs inept

Governments tell you with charm

When faced with a stairway here's what they advise

Just walk with it under your arm

Who are, what are, where are the few

Always it's Arabs hated by Jews

Bombing your neighbour with mortar and brick

Doesn't it make you sick

At no time in my mind are wheelchairs inept

Governments tell you with charm

When faced with a stairway here's their advice

Just walk with it under your arm

No doubt sauerkraut is a racist remark

So to is Blackpool long after dark

Have nots deprived of their mortar and brick

Doesn't it make you sick

Doesn't it make you sick

Doesn't it make you sick

And I suppose

If I'm a atheist

It's God I'll thank

_{_________________________________________}

HAPPINESS IS ME AND YOU

When the evening is over

Put your head upon my shoulder

And I'll tell you something

I believe is true

Happiness is me and you

In a world so distorted

Where the worst is best reported

Love may be something

That will see us through

Happiness is me and you

There may be girls that I remember

Who've made me happy for a while

But none of them compare with you my love

How ever hard they all may try

If the bus that we're taking

Has for ages kept us waiting

What does it matter

Even in a queue

Happiness is me and you

There may be days that you'll discover

I'm not the man you think I'm am

But through it all we will recover

Without the aid of any plan

When the weeks turn to hours

And in June it's April showers

I'll tell you something

I believe is true

Happiness is me and you

Happiness is me and you

Happiness is me and you

_{_________________________________________}

TWO'S COMPANY (THREE IS ALLOWED)

Sellotape is sticky

Now there's a surprise

Next they'll tell you you can see out of your eyes

Mummified mummies daddies little girl

Had the operation then became an earl

Once you would have kissed her gently on the cheek

Now she kisses you beginning with your feet

Roles that are reversing so misunderstood

Kids who think monogamy is a piece of wood

Ooh but two's company three is allowed

Two's company three is allowed

Two's company three is allowed

Two's company three is allowed

These days as a woman you are out of place

If you're not a lesbian whose friends are gays

Anything is normal normal is of course

Getting married after planning your divorce

Usually I don't go much at all on twins

Once you've seen the one you've seen them both I think

Mind you when they're pretty pretty as a peach

Whose to say that on the day with one of each

Ooh two's company three is allowed

Two's company three is allowed

Two's company three is allowed

Two's company three is allowed

Three is allowed

I look like I wanna look I wear what I like

It won't be a suit and no it won't be a tie

A tie is a dead heat not a knot round your neck

Neck is what you do when

(Neck is what you do when)

Alone with your girlfriend

Ooh but two's company three is allowed

Two's company three is allowed

Two's company three is allowed

Two's company three is allowed

Three is allowed

_{_________________________________________}

WHAT'S IT ALL SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

Tell me what's happening to this world

I've just seen pictures of a girl

Lying half-naked in a stream

She was so full of life

Yet in one moment killed by an knife

Will somebody tell me

What's it all supposed to mean?

Sign on the door says go away

Sign on the grass says you will pay

Dearly if on it you are seen

Ask your neighbour's the time

They'll close their curtains pull down the blinds

Will somebody tell me

What's it all supposed to mean?

You can say what you like

About a bike 

It does ring a bell at least

Why provide cars that break 

Every law we make

Not the least of which is the speed they can exceed

You can say what you like 

About goodbyes

They boost tissue sales at least

I don't know anyone 

Whose love has gone

Who does not require a multitude of these

A clip round the ear it must be said

Never hurt anyone instead

Taught you a lesson you'd not seen

And yet do that today

You could so easily be put in jail

Will somebody tell me

What's it all

Will somebody tell me

What's it all 

Will somebody tell me

What's it all supposed to mean?

_{_________________________________________}

MR. MOODY'S GARDEN

Every day's a holiday in Mr. Moody's garden

Where little girls say pardon and how do

You do my name is Nosey and this is me sister really (really)

Good she is at saying Choo Choo

Now just across the lawn is Pat

Sitting on his favourite hat

Waiting for the barber to arrive

And if he doesn't come today

Pat will shout (hip hip hooray)

Ain't it grand to be alive

When every day's a holiday in Mr. Moody's garden

Where little girls say pardon and how do

Ye do my name is Nosey and this is me sister really (really)

Good she is at saying Choo Choo

Now lying on the garden fence

Is a man (at great expense)

History tells us will outgrow his youth

But only until such a time

He finds out why he's been lying

And then of course he'll tell the truth

'Cause every day's a holiday in Mr. Moody's garden

Where little girls say pardon and how do

Ye do 

Now down among the Partridge trees

Lives a "Don" who loves his knees

So much so he's framed them in a jar

And if by chance one should escape

Then "to put on" must in it's place

Eat half a pound of shredded tar

'Cause every day's a holiday in Mr. Moody's garden

Where little girls say pardon

And Bill and Ben found stardom

While playing John Wesley Harding

Who looked just like Pierre Cardin's answer to

Choo Choo

_{_________________________________________}