HIMSELF

INTRO

Ladies and Gentlemen

Allow me to present myself to you

On this my first L.P. debut

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JANUARY GIT

I still believe in Sunday as being a day of rest

And maybe it's because I'm an Irishman

That I like Dublin best

Still whose who are you to tell me I'm alright Fred

But don't let that worry your son

For when he grows up and gets blown out of here

Have yourself A-tomic bomb

Now introducing Maisie (Maisie) and on my right Will be

Both of whom are here now represented by

Our good friend U.V.I.P.

Whose mundane conjectural I'd recommend

Only if you like rocking jazz

Intermingled with an ounce of U double K

Full of eastern Raj Matazz

Close your eyes and the door don't forget

If you do I take it you know what to expect

Still whose who are you to tell me I'm alright

Fred but don't let that worry your son

For when he grows up and gets blown out of here

Have yourself a (really)

Tour-de-force (yearly)

Non-de-plume A-tomic bomb

Feeling tired one degree under oh

What you need is picking up so off you go

(Get picked up you know)

Whose mundane conjectural I'd recommend

Only if you like rocking jazz

Intermingled with an ounce of U double K

Full of Eastern (promise)

Without a doubting (Thomas)

Polynesian Raj Matazz

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BYE BYE

I've only this to say to you know why

Good bye, bye bye

My loneliness endears it but so do I

Good bye, bye bye

You'd think by now that somehow

You'd have changed

Long range, no change

Forget me now you know how I will you

Will you, please do?

I've only this to say to you know why

Good bye, bye bye

Forget me now you know how I will you

Will you, please do?

I don't know why

Sometimes I lie

Other times I tell the truth

Sometimes even out of spite

I'm uncouth

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IF I DON'T GET YOU (BACK AGAIN)

I used to sit and watch the stars

Especially old Jupiter and Mars

When my days were blue

But now those days are gone and still

If I did, I would, you know I will

Never feel the same

If I don't get you, back again

For who am I to who are you

To who are we Sir

When underneath there's nothing more

Than meets the eye

And if for that you think I'm crazy

Don't forget you once delayed me

Wonder why

For who am I to who are you

To who are we Sir

If underneath there's nothing more

Than apple pie

A little sour perhaps but one day

Given time perhaps in some way

We'll know why

To you I gave my everything

Plus of course my Autumn and my Spring

Oh and I won't half feel the pain

If I don't get you

If I don't get you

If I don't get you

If I don't get you

Back Again

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MATRIMONY

I've no wish to hurry you luv

But have you seen the time

It's quarter to ten and we're supposed to be there at nine

I don't think the registrar

Will be very pleased

When we show up an hour late

Like two frozen peas

Both now facing for the first time

Presently and past

Something that begins with M

And ends in alas

More than not complete disaster

Even from the start

What could it be

It's Matrimony

I know how you've dreamt about

Being walked down the aisle

But think of the money we'll save

And you'll see it's worthwhile

It won't please our mums and dads

But they don't even know,

Besides if they did what's the betting

They wouldn't even go

You and me are all that matters

Disregard the rest

Trust your soon to be old man

He knows what is best

Very shortly now there's gonna be

An answer from you

Then one from me

That's matrimony

I'm truly grateful for the little things in life

That have made me so glad

Every other hour that I spend with you

Is not in the least bit sad

Quite the opposite in fact

And if you don't believe me

Here's the proof

Ask me if I and I'll say "Aye, I do"

You and me are all that matters

Disregard the rest

Trust your soon to be old man

He knows what is best

Very shortly now there's gonna be

An answer from you

Then one from me

That's matrimony

Marriage the joining together of two people

For better or for worse

Till death them do part

Ole!

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INDEPENDENT AIR

Oh no said I don't dare defy my word

Don't you impede my heart

Make my sight blurred

Unless of course you feel

That confrontations are funny

Or sad with occasional sunny spells

You will be so intensely slow but then

You've always been that way

Since I don't know when

However wouldn't it be

Rather nice if in some way

You could run with the minimum of effort a relay

I don't love you, look down or above you

So why should I hesitate

Not letting out my independent air

That sweet aroma of contentment I implore

You not to ignore

Although I have to anyway

However wouldn't it be

Rather nice if in some way

You could run with the minimum of effort a relay

I don't love you, look down or above you

So why should I hesitate

Not letting out my independent air

That sweet aroma of contentment I implore

You not to ignore

Although I have to anyway

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NOTHING RHYMED

If I give up the seat I've been saving

To some elderly lady or man

Am I being a good boy

Am I your pride and joy

Mother please if you're pleased say I am

And if while in the course of my duty

I perform an unfortunate take

Would you punish me so unbelievably so

Never again will I make that mistake

This feeling inside me could never deny me

The right to be wrong if I choose

And this pleasure I get

From say winning a bet is to lose

When I'm drinking my Bonaparte Shandy

Eating more than enough apple pies

Will I glance at my screen and see

Real human beings starve to death

Right in front of my eyes

Nothing old, nothing new, nothing ventured

Nothing gained, nothing still-born or lost

Nothing further than proof, nothing wilder than youth

Nothing older than time, nothing sweeter than wine

Nothing physically, recklessly, hopelessly blind

Nothing I couldn't say

Nothing why, 'cause today

Nothing rhymed

This feeling inside me could never deny me

The right to be wrong if I choose

And this pleasure I get

From say winning a bet is to lose

Nothing good, nothing bad, nothing ventured

Nothing gained, nothing still-born or lost

Nothing further than proof, nothing wilder than youth

Nothing older than time, nothing sweeter than wine

Nothing physically, recklessly, hopelessly blind

Nothing I couldn't say

Nothing why, 'cause today

Nothing rhymed

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TOO MUCH ATTENTION

There is too much attention

Paid to people who believe

That the world we live in

Really isn't round

Yes there's too much attention

Paid to people just like me

Who'll confess their only aim in life is down

There is too much attention

As to where we all should be

And to how much we should know

Inside how long

Yes there's too much attention

And the reason I believe

Is because we are what we are right or wrong

So forgive me when I tell you

I ain't got no place to go

I ain't got no-one to talk to

Got no one left to say hello

There is too much attention

Paid to him who shot at he

And to how he got away

But didn't quite

Yes there's too much attention

So much so that we'll believe

He's not guilty of the crime which he's being tried

So forgive me when I tell you

I ain't got no place to go

I ain't got no one to talk to

Got no one left to say hello

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SUSAN VAN HEUSEN

Little Susan Van Heusen was present

When her father decided to play

Cat and mouse round the house with that peasant

Girl of a B good and maybe I will stay

For a while if you smile but remember

When my head is bowed

It is not because I am sad

Merely that old blue me

Getting me down

As you've guessed it was best that she rid herself

From this an unfriendly affair

So without more to do than say dither

Suzie went over the hill and back again

I will go in a moment

But first you'd better book up 'cause I

Have no piece to perform

Have no role to play

Other than that one of me

Eaten by you

All the way through

Down to the last

Very last chew

In the end so to speak it was easy

To suppose she would never return

Even though her old man tried repeatedly

Begging her to one and all aboard this plane

I repeat be discrete but remember

When my head is bowed

It is not because I am sad

Merely that old blue me

Getting me down

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PERMISSIVE TWIT

Oh Heaven help our Linda

She's really done it now

What's more it's all so obvious

I mean her stomach's sticking out

If father tells me mother

She's bound to have a fit

Followed by a neat convulsion

Thanks to our permissive twit

She thinks his name was Ronald

Or was it Sid or Len

The only thing that's certain

Is that it wasn't Bill or Ben

Our parish priest God bless him

The very Reverend Father Pitt

Will no doubt be preaching sermons

To our dear Permissive Twit

By now the word

Will no doubt have been heard

By almost every bleeding nosy parker in our alley

All except that is

Our own great Aunt Liz

Who I hear's been deaf since the day our Grace

Recorded Sally, Sally, Sally

Unless we raise the money

She'll have to let it out

What I mean is she will have to

Have it the right way wrong way about

In other words let nature

Take it's course and do its bit

For the sake of those concerned with

Our own dear permissive

Dear permissive twit

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING

There's people who believe

That what we're to receive

Is meant to happen anyway

Then there're those who'll admit

That they're literally scared stiff of it

No matter what you say

Then there are those who'll astound

By simply being around to play

Thunder and lightning ain't worth fighting

So lock yourself away or else face it all tonight

I was supposed to meet her at eight

Now I find it's gone eight

And I haven't done a thing

There's people all around me

People who have found me

Not very funny when I sing

A little song about the bad things

The weather can do

Thunder and lightning ain't worth fighting

So lock yourself away or else face it all tonight

People running everywhere

There's not a soul who'll stay out there

And I don't think there will be tonight

But we've got to accept what's right

Thunder and lightning ain't worth fighting (no, no)

So lock yourself away or else face it all tonight

I'm trying hard to remember

Was it last November

When I got caught under a tree

I stood there like a fool

Without so much as a stool

That I could sit upon to comfort me

I shudder at the thought

However I got out safely

Thunder and lightning ain't worth fighting

So lock yourself away or else face it all tonight

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HOUDINI SAID

Doctor in love who is above

All others close to you

Is it the Queen is it obscene

Tell me I want you to

Oh I've often wondered what it is that incites

So many young people to take part in those riots

Where by all men in blue are the targets to destroy

Lady be good I wish you would

Meanwhile exclusively

Have I the right to print in spite

Of what your views would be

Concerning those matters of the utmost degree

The point being the question and the question being he

Who laughs first has a thirst to laugh longest

Has he?

Over there (over where?)

Over there (over where?)

On the wall (what wall?)

The one in the hall (one in the hall)

I can see (we can see)

Well you could have fooled me

Some take the attitude that life is a drag

They say and I quote "man it just isn't our bag"

But if that's where it's at why the hell don't they go

Houdini said to get out of bed

Was the hardest thing he could do

Yet when he's tied strait jacket plied

He's out at the count of two

It seems elementary my dear Watson I know

But think what would happen if for instance this show

That we're in should begin not one hour but two late

Over there (over where?)

Over there (over where?)

On the wall (what wall?)

The one in the hall (on in the hall)

I can see (we can see)

Well you could have fooled me

Over there (over where?)

Over there (over where?)

On the wall (what wall?)

The one in the hall (one in the hall)

I can see (we can see)

Could have fooled me

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DOING THE BEST I CAN

Listen I'm doing the best that I can

Hiding my head in my hands

Proving without a conclusion or doubt a great deal

More than you'll ever feel

I'm giving up all that I know

It's possible to do and so

Here's to your mother

Who though I loved no other than she

Take off that silly grin

Put back that double gin

You'll need it in the morning

If I leave you without warning

I'm noticing words have been spoke

Since the day I began being broke

Now when I hear the smell

Of sweet damn all I shall tell you

Take off that silly grin

Put back that double gin

You'll need it in the morning

If I leave you without warning

I'm doing the best that I can

Hiding my head in my hands

Feeling the pinch and yet

Somehow I can't forget you

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OUTRO

Ladies and gentlemen

And those of you who

Spent money buying me

I'd like to thank you

I'd like to thank you

Thank you sincerely

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