OFF CENTRE

I LOVE IT BUT

I love it but it doesn't knock me out

I think it's great, but it could be better

I like it a lot, it's just not my cup of tea

Yet if you were to change the melody

Take out a part that you think should be here

Put in a part that wouldn't otherwise appear

Well it's only an idea

I hate it but that doesn't mean it's bad

In other words I quite enjoyed it

Apart from which, it's the best you've ever done

Yet if you were to change the words

It would be superb with perhaps a different melody

I love it but it's just a shade too long

Though to be fair you'd hardly notice

The only thing as I say is how it's done

Bits to me sound like it ought to have been sung

Not only in two part harmony but one

Making the whole thing really swing before it's swung

Walk instead of run

I love it, but it doesn't knock me out

No it doesn't knock me out

Yet it you were to change the words

It would be superb with perhaps a different melody

I love it but it doesn't knock me out

I think it's great, but it could be better

I like it a lot, it's just not my cup of tea

Yet if you were to change the melody

Take out a part that you think should be here

Replace it with a part that wouldn't otherwise appear

Are you getting the idea

I love it, I love it, I love it, but it doesn't knock me out

No it doesn't knock me out

No it doesn't knock me out

_{_________________________________________}

WHAT'S IN A KISS?

What's in a kiss?

Have you ever wondered just what it is

More perhaps than just a moment of bliss

Tell me what's in a kiss?

What's in a dream

Is it all the things you'd like to have been

All the places that you haven't yet seen

Tell me what's in a dream

I know it's really rather stupid of me

But I honestly don't know

Every time I try to find a solution

I'm surprised at how quickly I become so slow

What's in a kiss?

Have you ever wondered just what it is

More perhaps than just one moment of bliss

Tell me what's in a kiss?

And any time you need a light refreshment

Baby you can count on me

I am your very own delicatessen

Well equipped to supply you with your every need

Well what's in a kiss?

Have you ever wondered just what it is

More perhaps than just one moment of bliss

Tell me what's in a kiss?

Tell me what's in a kiss?

Tell me what's in a kiss?

_{_________________________________________}

HELLO, IT'S GOODBYE

Take off your coat pull up a chair

Sit next to me not over there

How about a drink what would you like

Would a scotch on the rocks be alright

Then as the lights invariably dim

I gently touch your thigh

And before you know it, hello it's goodbye

You tell me that you're not that type

And I'm not saying that you're not right

All that I'm asking is a chance

To do more with you than just holding hands

This is the story of my life

Every chance I get to try

Before you know it, hello it's goodbye

Now I'm not saying that I'm upset

But for all the pleasure that I can get

I might just as well go join a monastery

(Just as well join a monastery)

I'm not saying that I'm upset

But for all the pleasure that I've been getting

I might just as well go join a monastery

(Just as well join a monastery)

Sometimes I think I'm up against

Something that doesn't make much sense

Like when I'm with a girl like you

I'd do everything a man should do

Then when I feel the time is right

I say no need to be shy

And before you know it hello it's goodbye

It's goodbye

Before you know it hello it's

Hello it's goodbye

_{_________________________________________}

WHY PRETEND

Oh everyone knows

You're all alone

So why pretend

And everyone knows

You're on your own

Why not let it end

Your baby's gone

And you're all alone

So why pretend

Every time

You're not at home

You say that she's with you

Isn't it time

You made it known

That she isn't with you

She's far away

And there she will stay

Oh why pretend

You didn't want her

When her heart grew fonder

Oh, of you by her side

You didn't love her

So she found another

Oh, why pretend

It's got to end

'Cause everyone knows

You're all alone

So why pretend

You didn't want her

When her heart grew fonder

Oh, of you by her side

(No you didn't)

You didn't love her

So she found another

Oh, why pretend

It's got to end

'Cause everyone knows

You're all alone

So why pretend

Everyone knows

That you're on your own

why not let it end

Your baby's gone

And you're all alone

Your baby's gone

And you're on your own

Your baby's gone

And you're all alone

So why pretend

Why pretend baby

_{_________________________________________}

I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER

Since I've known you we've always been together

And in that time the love we shared we vowed would last forever

Yet marriage is a subject you approve

Providing it has nothing whatsoever to do with you

And much as I respect that view, I have to state my case

Though I'm far from being over the hill

It occurs to me with each passing day

That I'm not getting any younger

 God knows it wasn't my idea 

The years that used to take 

An eternity to make 

Are now passing at what seems like one a week

If only we'd have met when I was your age

 I wouldn't have this awful fear I get when I leave your place

You don't know how upsetting it can be

To hear you talk of future plans

None of which seem to include me

Blue jeans and high heel boots are great

Of course I still wear mine quite a bit

But it's now more apparent than ever before

Despite keeping myself fairly fit

That I'm not getting any younger

Even those gray hairs are now starting to appear

And there are lines under my eyes

That never used to be this size

Even though it could be due to lack of sleep

Something tells me that it's more to do with passing years

At times I think perhaps it would be better

If rather than go on this way posted you a letter

Explaining in great detail why I feel

The way things are between us

Suits you much more than it suits me

You have you whole life ahead of you

Well damn it I also have mine

And unless I am by nature a freak

There's no mistaking those deadly signs

And I'm not getting any younger

Look closely now and you will see

The rebel in his teens

Who thought all adults were obscene

Is now somewhat disenchanted with the news

That kids today have got no respect for his views

And I'm not getting any younger

Gone are those days when school reports were all I feared

Now for the first time in my life I'm seeing something I don't like

And I am powerless to prevent from happening

One day you'll find out for yourself just what I mean

_{_________________________________________}

THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT

Some people tell you you're better off dead

Especially when you're in the very best of health

Me I don't understand why

Just like the din of those things that go bump in the night

What does it matter?

Who really cares?

If you die tomorrow

All you get are prayers

If there's a God and there might

Maybe he's in with those things that go bump in the night

Oh, go to a gypsy let her read your palm

The minute that she says you've got a lot of charm

You think, how incredible I never thought

How could anybody have so much power

But if on the other hand she says I fear

A bit of bad news in the coming year

You think what a load of rubbish this is

I don't know why I ever bothered with it

Who said we're human?

Who called it sex?

Who said that three fives are fifteen is correct

What makes a black man go white

Could be the din of those things that go bump in the night

Some people say that the longer you wait

The more you're determined not to be late

What is illogically right?

Is it a sin to hear things that go bump in the night?

Oh, go to a gypsy let her read your palm

The minute that she says you've got a lot of charm

You think, how incredible I never thought

How could anybody have so much power

But if on the other hand she says I fear

A bit of bad news in the coming year

You think what a load of rubbish this is

I don't know why I ever bothered with it

_{_________________________________________}

HELP IS ON THE WAY

So you want to love me

But you don't know why

You've got a problem up ahead

That's in sight

Love to meet your uncle

Only as I was saying

I have a relative myself the same type

Call yourself a man

I said, why not if it's true

I said, you call yourself a taxi and fly

And like a bird she flew out of the window

Leaving me a box of milk tray

A note upon it to say

If nothing's alright it's okay

'Cause help is on the way

Sorry to disturb you

At this awful hour

But I was wondering

If you have the time

Supposed to meet a woman here

At half past eight

And now you're telling me

It's already nine

Man you should have seen it

As the boat overturned

There was a cry out

From a hand or a leg

And like a stone she went

Down to the bottom

Leaving us above in dismay

Despite the captain who'd say

If nothing's alright it's okay

'Cause help is on the way

I got a letter

It came as a note

It said, I'm sorry

I haven't spoke

It was written out in Braille

So I knew that it felt good

Right from the start

Solo part

'Cause help is on the way

I tried to reach you

But you weren't at home

I left a message

Right after the tone 

It said, sorry I'm not in

If you'd care to call again

I'll get back to you, back to you

So you want to love me

But you don't know why

You've got a bee up in your bonnet

That's fine

Nothing like a buzz going around your head

To clear the cobwebs from the state

Of your mind

Well, you won't believe this

But believe me

It's true

I had this woman

In the palm of my hand

When like a madman

She leapt out the window

 Leaving me a box of milk tray

A note upon it to say

If nothing's goes right it's okay

'Cause help is on the way

'Cause help is on the way

_{_________________________________________}

FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH

I feel so strange here on my own

She's out with her friends

While me I don't have one

Every time I have some

She would make them all disperse

Yet I love her with all of my heart

For what it's worth

She said had I been more careful with her

We wouldn't have had to get married quite so quick

And she never wanted kids

Hates the thought of giving birth

Yet I worship the ground she walks upon

For what it's worth

I don't know what I can say

Perhaps it's just a passing phase

Nothing worse than being in love with one who isn't

If I've hurt her I'll admit

I'll apologize for it

Even if what she says I did, I didn't

I give her the bulk of my weekly pay

She takes it without even thanking me one bit

And I've worked hard for it

So a thank you wouldn't hurt

Yet I love her with all of my heart

For what it's worth

I don't ask for very much

I'm not one to make a fuss

In fact the less said is for me

So much the better

Maybe I should be more strong

Tell her straight look

"What's going on"

But if I do that, she might leave me altogether

Oh, I've been high up and I've been low

But lately the latter is so far out ahead

I wish I were dead

She treats me like I was dirt

Yet I love her with all my heart

For what it's worth

Yes I love her with all my heart

For what it's worth

Yes I love her with all my heart

For what it's worth

For what it's worth

_{_________________________________________}

THE NICENESS OF IT ALL

It's the niceness of it all

Baby it's the niceness of it all

Whether you are close to me or far

It doesn't matter in the least

As long as I can be with you

Any time I need to

Like the baby that's just starting to grow

It's the niceness of it all

That makes me love you more and more

And it's the niceness of it all

Baby, it's the niceness of it all

That makes me write to you and say how much

I've missed you over the weeks

That makes me call you on the phone

Whenever there's a chance to speak

And even if there's only time to say hello

It's the niceness of it all

That makes me love you more and more

I don't know what's come over me

I've hardly touched a drink

My mother thinks it's marvellous

He's off the road to sin

She thinks you're just the tonic that I need

And who am I to argue after all isn't that what I believe

It's the niceness of it all

Baby it's the niceness of it all

If I can't be with you for a week then a day will have to do

I won't say that that's enough

But then beggars can't be choosers

And besides if nothing else at least I know

It's the niceness of it all

That makes me love you more and more

Every time I see a shadow I think what a blessing it must be

Not to have to talk with fingers

Not to have to look with nothing to see

You try living your life to the full confined to a chair

Try and hide your loneliness when no one is there

It's the niceness of it all

That makes me love you more and more

It's the niceness of it all

What I like

What I need

_{_________________________________________}

CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOU

There's nothing in the world that I'd like more

Than to be left standing outside your door

Where perhaps I might be, asked to come in

There I could very easily demonstrate

What now appears to be my fate

You see I'm hooked on something

And it's not heroin

 I just can't get enough of you

No I can't get enough, what am I gonna do

I've tried every trick in the book that's going

Now I've decided that they're not worth knowing

My predicament is as simple as this

I'm not satisfied and the reason is

I just can't get enough of you

My experience of life so far

Has been to say the least not the least bizarre

I mean I work for a living, eight hours a day

I don't smoke or drink except for a little wine

The friends that I have are the genuine kind

I think I'm fairly rational in a moderate way

Yet I can't get enough of you

No I can't get enough, what am I gonna do

I've had other woman but they don't move me

You're the only one that can see right through me

What you've got I can't explain

Other than to tell you I have one complaint

I just can't get enough of you

I just can't get enough of you

No I can't get enough, what am I gonna do

Like Oliver Twist said when he asked for more

I happen to like what you gave me before

My condition is rather unique

I'm suffering from the world's first lovely disease

I just can't get enough of you

No I can't get enough of you

I just can't get enough of you

_{_________________________________________}

BREAK IT TO ME GENTLY

Look at me, I'm in my glory

Like a child, who loves a story

Pinching myself just to see

If you're really here with me

Nothing good can last for long

So when you feel like moving on

Break it to me gently

How I wish that we could make

Love for as long as it can take

Wear each other out, and then

Stop and start it all again

All my life I dreamt of this

And if a dream is all this is

Break it to me gently

And, I don't want to sound a bore

What will be will be I know

But there's no harm in asking

For when you have a beauty rare

Why can it not be everlasting

Is it true what I hear whispered

You get tired of men so quick

That it's now become a standing joke

How long will the next one cope

If there isn't any doubt

And I'm the next to be kicked out

Break it to me gently

And, I don't want to sound a bore

What will be will be I know

But there's no harm in asking

You've been through all this before

Could this one not be everlasting

Optimistic though I am

Things will remain the way they stand

Nevertheless there is this fear

You might one day disappear

I just hope that if it's true

You will have the decency to

Break it to me gently

If and when the time arrives

Don't just leave me high and dry

Break it to me gently

Break it to me gently

_{_________________________________________}

OR SO THEY SAY

I've never been able to stand on a table

Without using both of my feet

I've always resisted

The choice that was listed

Whenever I sat down to eat

Now don't think me rude but that dress is so low cut

Your navel is sticking out

And not that I'm curious

But seeing how low yours is

I wonder where mine is about

I read in the newspapers only today that tomorrow's will be even better

 Liquid detergent is now guaranteed to absorb all the dirt from your sweater

Or so they say

Or so they say

Or so they say

We once had a neighbour

Who came from Jamaica (No she came of her own accord)

Who talked with an accent

Like that of a Dachshund

Whose cousin the Queen had adored

Oh how would you like it

 If I was invited

To Lords on the first day of play

I'm no Gary Sobers

But I can bowl overs

In quite an unorthodox way

 Now cricket's a game that can baffle us all

It's the silly mid on that gets me

Silly or not, it's enthralling to watch

Only maidens of course disagree

Or so they say

Or so they say

Or so they say

Life is so often a dullish affair

It's no wonder that crime has increased

What does it matter, if there's no hereafter

We're here after all just to breathe

Or so they say

Or so they say

Or so they say

Or so they say

Or so they say

Or so they say

And as I finish playing

This is my way of saying

 "THE END"

_{_________________________________________}

All lyrics and music by Gilbert O'Sullivan