IT NEVER RAINS BUT IT POURS

Hey little baby you act like I'm crazy

Walking around in my sleep

Well if I knew it why on earth would I do it

I've other appointments to keep

In my sleep

Spare me the drama

You slipped on a banana

After you'd eaten the skin

How could you do it

Are you really that stupid

Not knowing that there was a bin

You could put it in

Of course being a Monday would be the one day

Trains are delayed by the score

And it never rains but it pours

Mine's not due for a week

Would you believe it

Our Adam and Eve skit

Didn't go quite as we planned

Leaves we were using

Both of our choosing

Fell off and so we got banned

Could have used a hand

Heart has been broken

Credit cards stolen

Off-licence closing it's doors

And it never rains but it pours

Why I've no idea

But if you want romance

Then here's a good tip

Leave all expletives behind

And as for the men maybe they should try

Giving flowers from time to time

Call me a loser cos I didn't choose her

Call me a fool if you like

Sure she was pretty but when she said hit me

That kind of gave me a fright

As well it might

A word from Head Office there being no profits

We have to show you the door

And it never rains but it pours

Rents just been increased

If only the good days outnumbered the bad

If only the bad died young

In an ideal world we would still disagree

But doing so would be fun

Smile for the camera the one that can't stand ye

You know the one I mean

Where every picture looks like a mixture

Of hideous crass and obscene

But never lean

Afloat on a big lake

Boat hits a big wave

After which you lose the oars

And it never rains but it pours

Now it's started to leak

_{_________________________________________}

BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE (SUCH IS LIFE)

I love those great big blue eyes

I love those laughter lines

Round about where an ill wind blows

That's where for me it shines

And I have no inhibitions

That I wish to put on

If I did what would I inhibit

A painting I've never done

And such is life as Ned once said

However let's be clear

If you think that a noose round my neck

Makes a happy man of me

You're barking up the wrong tree

And I hate those cold damp mornings

Despite a good night's sleep

Stepping out when it's still not light

Feels like I should retreat

And as for those glamour model types

Who when they strut their stuff

Look about as dressed as a naked chef

Making his powder puff

And while we're on the subject

Where in God's name have you been

I've been waiting around for hours

If you think it's good for me

You're barking up the wrong tree

And to the idiots who say for tusks

Killing elephants is not unjust

Don't you wish a herd would come along

And overrule them

Can't for the life of me see

How marksmen armed with guns

Think a man with a table leg

As threatening to either one

And yet as marksmen surely

Assuming as I've said

That there is some doubt

They must take him out

Why do it in the head?

And such is life as Ned once said

However let's be clear

If barking mad's where you think I'm from

Take a little tip from me

Take a little tip from me

You're barking up the wrong tree

You are barking

You are barking

You're barking up the wrong tree

_{_________________________________________}

MAKE MY DAY

I've never known a girl lovelier than you

If I did I would be lying and that I wouldn't do

Come on have fun and make my day tonight

Nothing really matters when you are in love

It's the only institution I'm not weary of

Don't be lonely make my day tonight

I know it isn't easy to find romance

Know it can indeed seem like you've no chance

When the land beneath you feels like no man's

Don't give up just persevere

Nothing in this world is ever certain

When your only love goes for a burton

Don't be too despondent just think positively

I've never known a girl lovelier than you

If I did I would be lying and that I wouldn't do

Come on have fun and make my day tonight

Don't be lonely make my day

I'm sure that you'll make my day tonight

I know it isn't easy to find romance

Know it can indeed seem like you've no chance

When the land beneath you feels like no man's

Don't give up just persevere

Nothing in this world is ever certain

When your only love goes for a burton

Don't be too despondent there's more fish in the sea

I've never known a girl lovelier than you

If I did I would be lying and that I wouldn't do

Come on have fun and make my day tonight

Don't be lonely make my day

I'm sure that you'll make my day tonight

Tonight...tonight...tonight

_{_________________________________________}

GOD FORBID

Touch my face find a place

That only you can see

You don't need an appliance

It isn't rocket science

God forbid that it ever should be

Read my lips there's no risks

Attached to what we do

It may be that at times

I'm way out of line

God forbid that meant I could lose you

Only for a second have I ever felt

Doubts about your love for me

Only for a second yet it seemed like an eternity

Take my hand make it land

Somewhere about your knee

Whatever's going on we're doing nothing wrong

God forbid to think that

God forbid to think that

God forbid to think that we could be

Falling out of love is something to behold

Even when it's not too steep

You can be as hurt as someone say falling a thousand feet

Tell you what, what you've got

Is all I'll ever need

It may not pay the rent

It being heaven sent

God forbid that that's all

God forbid that that's all

God forbid that that's all you meant to me

_{_________________________________________}

CONVERSATION WITH THE FLYING PLATES

I'll tell you what you want to hear

Tell me where I'd like to go

Ask me where the Summer went

That way maybe I don't know

And while my life's not in a rut

Every weekend I take flight

Given that today's the day

Presumably tonight's must be the night

Accustomed thought I am 

To crying in the rain

What's the point of counting sheep

When by the time you get

To ten or twelve you're asleep

You are my love you are my life

It's emblazoned on my chest

Every time we have a row

I just keep it covered with a vest

You ask if I am anxious

How this will pan out

Let's just say until it's foiled

Answer does I fear

Lie nowhere near the soil

And so the conversation with the flying plates begins

You see a pattern now emerging

On a plate she'll fling

It doesn't matter where it goes

As long as it goes fast

You recognise your favourite

China cup as it goes past

And was the Meissen so enticing

That it had to leave 

Surely the fact that it was a wedding present

Would ensure it would remain secure

Like to think within a year

We'll look back on this and laugh

Only problem is it's clear

One year on's already what we've had

Accustomed though I am

To diamond studded ears

Which by the way on men

As is just in one

Look when hung

Bent

And so the conversation with the flying plates continues

In the yellow corner

Flexing all her muscular vim

Throwing overhand or underhand

It makes no odds

Lovely bit of Royal Dalton

Heading for ye Gods

And in the midst of all this carnage

Comes a sobering thought

Most of what has been destroyed

Can never be re-bought

Such a shame now in the morning

As the maid comes in

On her morning stint

Looking on in shock

After taking stock

What's around her feet

_{_________________________________________}

I GAVE MINE TO YOU

There's no question of me being asked

How could she be untrue

Last night you gave me the keys to your heart

And I gave mine to you

Call it simple

Call it the Pot

Calling the Kettle Blue

When you gave your word you'd always be mine

I gave mine to you

Proof of the pudding is in the eating

Not anymore it's not

Now it boils down to ingredients

Makes no difference how you look

After the night is through

You gave me your love at the end of the day

And I gave mine to you

And I gave mine to you

I gave mine to you

Good days and bad days

Whatever that says

You can't deny its true

Nothing we ever do is boring

I don't care if the sun don't shine

As long as the clouds are blue

Last night you gave me the shirt off your back

And I gave mine to you

I gave mine to you

I gave mine to you

_{_________________________________________}

A LOVE SO

I get a little bit of lovin' in the morning

I get a little bit of lovin' at night

I get a little bit of what I want

And when I know it's due

Get a little bit of kissin' and cuddling

Feeling that I wanna be liked

By you

With a love so......true

Never needed anybody who could need me

Never needed anybody to try

Never needed to be certain of that you can be sure

Never needed anybody to hold me

Now I have a feeling I might

Via you

With a love so......pure

Take this paper in my hand

If you sign it means we stand

Shoulder to shoulder in the days ahead

Even on occasion when the explanation

That I plan on making makes no sense

Didn't know what I could do till I could do it

Didn't know I couldn't do it till I tried

Didn't know it at the time and at the time I wasn't there

Didn't know about love and affection

Now it is a feeling I like

From you

A love so......rare

You could say that we're on cloud nine

But on a clear day it's a waste of time

You could be ringing a freedom bell

In a prison yard where the prison guard

Orders you to march back to your cell

I get a little bit of lovin' in the morning

I get a little bit of lovin' at night

I get a little bit of what I want if it's not too late

Get a little bit of kissin' and cuddling

Feeling that I wanna be right

By you

By you

By you

With a love so

A love so

A love so......great

_{_________________________________________}

YOU AND ME AND THE GARDEN POST

Hard to know what possesses anyone

After a parent's died

Why tell the world how badly they treated you

Could it not be you lied

Let's not go down that road you read about

Let's keep all we disclose

Between you me and the garden post

One day rainbows next day hailstones

Soundtrack to all our lives

What we have here let's be quite clear

Sea-levels on the rise

And as to who we now hope can sort it out

I don't think they've come close

Between you me and the garden post

You can lead a horse to the water's edge

But you cannot force it to drink

Which is not to say if it had a choice

It might prefer to swim

How I hate it when someone corners me

And in a minute flat

I know how much they've earned in a year

And how many homes they have

Let's not go down this road to boorishness

Let's keep all we can boast

Between you me and the garden post

If money talks and we know it does

What language does it speak

If you figure is less than you figure

Must be Greek

Always knew you would be my angel

Once you had took me in

Not so much for being under your spell

More for it being your wing

Let's talk openly of our relationship

Let's keep all we disclose

Between you me

Between you me

Between you me and the garden post

_{_________________________________________}

PARRISH

Now Parrish was born on a summer's morn

High up on Salisbury plain

His parents were surprised 

When he opened his eyes

And said hi how do you do Parrish is my name

He started in school breaking every rule

Violence was his only relief

For someone so small

To burn down the school hall

Was to him an education that just couldn't be beat

Throughout every week of every half a year

Throughout every month of every day

At the age of thirteen

When most boys should still be green

His experience with woman was to say the least great

The best way to describe him in later life

Is to go back to where it began

While abducting a Nun

He had suddenly become

Converted from a sinner to a

God fearing man

Throughout every week of every half a year

Throughout every month of every day

If he gets to be Pope

And who's to say he has no hope

There'll be one hell of a party down

Salisbury way

Incredible though it sounds he still astounds

All those who hear him speak

The man they used to call

The biggest villain of them all

Former child delinquent now a good

Parish Priest

_{_________________________________________}

WHAT'S IT ALL SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

Tell me what's happening to this world

I've just seen pictures of a girl

Lying half-naked in a stream

She was so full of life

Yet in one moment killed by an knife

Will somebody tell me

What's it all supposed to mean?

Sign on the door says go away

Sign on the grass says you will pay

Dearly if on it you are seen

Ask your neighbour's the time

They'll close their curtains pull down the blinds

Will somebody tell me

What's it all supposed to mean?

You can say what you like

About a bike 

It does ring a bell at least

Why provide cars that break 

Every law we make

Not the least of which is the speed they can exceed

You can say what you like 

About goodbyes

They boost tissue sales at least

I don't know anyone 

Whose love has gone

Who does not require a multitude of these

A clip round the ear it must be said

Never hurt anyone instead

Taught you a lesson you'd not seen

And yet do that today

You could so easily be put in jail

Will somebody tell me

What's it all

Will somebody tell me

What's it all 

Will somebody tell me

What's it all supposed to mean?

_{_________________________________________}

ANSWERS ON A POSTCARD (PLEASE)

I'm lost and all alone what do I do

The girl that I'm in love with says we're through

How can I just let her go

Answers on a postcard please

It seems while I've been doing this and that

She's been carrying on behind my back

Why was I the last to know

Answers on a postcard please

And I don't know what rights if any I have

When it comes to little old me

You can be held for days without even being charged

They call it democracy

I never thought of this happening to us

It happens all the time of course it does

Devil did he play a role

Answers on a postcard please

And I don't know what rights if any I have

When it comes to, comes to seeing

Everything you've worked so hard for

All your life

Been smashed to smithereens

I'm lost and like a fool I found my way

Deep inside this dark secluded bay

How'd I get here I don't know

Answers on a postcard please

How'd I get here I don't know

Answers on a postcard please

_{_________________________________________}

WILL I DO?

Everybody needs somebody

You need someone too

If you can't find him and you've looked real hard

Will I will I do?

Forget that big hunk pumping iron

He's no good it's true

You need someone whose ribs stick out

Will I will I do?

If I had the choice not to make a choice

Then what choice is this

If I had your nerve on a windy day

I'll blow you a kiss

We all need someone that we respect

Who we can look up to

If I put shoes on to increase my height

Will I will I do?

If I had to choose between black and white

I would go for green

Is impossible not impossible not if you can dream

Not if you can dream

Not if you can dream

I'm not rich like those other types

Go to work by tube

But I'm made in Ireland not Taiwan

Will I will I do?

_{_________________________________________}

WORLD OF WORK

From the cradle to the grave

From the present to the cave

All we're doing most of our lives

Is for the most part trying to survive

Aspirations all very well

Your degree it looks really swell

Only problem it's always the same

It's heads their needing and not a brain

Welcome to the world of work

You can start by giving

Up the notion that now you are free

Welcome to the world of work

It's a job and you can take it from me

No guarantee

All your life you dreamt about this

Sole ambition since you were a kid

Now it's happened how does it feel

Dream is over this for real

Sat for hours in front of a screen

Mouse will tell you what you are seeing

When you get home how to relax

Another screen for you to look at

Welcome to the world of work

It's a kind of living

Where you give more than you'll ever receive

Welcome to the world of work

Only place a loyal servant can be

Kicked in the teeth

Mind your manners mind how you go

Union rep. now does as he's told

One out all out used to mean stop

Now you're frightened of losing your job

Small percentage do as they please

Most if not all have family trees

You can see them scuttling about

Silver teaspoons stuck in their mouth

Welcome to the world of work

It's a place where giving

Is the price you pay for something to eat

Welcome to the world of work

It's where surplus to requirements could be

You they don't need

Welcome to the world of work

It's a nice beginning

Followed shortly by a coffee or tea

Welcome to the world of work

After which you will be run off your feet

Trying to compete

_{_________________________________________}

All lyrics and music by Gilbert O'Sullivan