A STRANGER IN MY OWN BACK YARD

NUMBER 4

In the beginning

There was one

Himself had just began

Then along came number 2

The other way round is your clue

And after that came 3

Hee hee written by you know me

Now I'm not saying anymore

Except to tell you

That this is not number (1), number (2)

Number (3), or number (5) but number 4

Number 4

Number 4

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A WOMAN'S PLACE

I may be old fashioned

So what if I am

I'm not any different

To any other man

I'm not one of those who

Look for blood from a stone

But I believe

A woman's place is in the home

Now I'm not one to kid you

You know it's not my style

I wouldn't want to hurt you

Not even for a while

I'm all for a woman

Who can make it on her own

But I believe

A woman's place is in the home

Mmm baby I believe

Yes indeed I do

A woman's place

A woman's place is in the home

Wonder what would have happened

Had a woman flattened

Rocky Marciano's nose

Would there have been

A change of views

Would women no longer be used

The way they seem

To think they're being

I know what you're thinking

And you've every right to moan

But I believe

A woman's place is in the home

Mmm baby I believe 

Yes indeed I do

A woman's place

A woman's place

A woman's place is in the home

A woman's place is in the home

A woman's place is in the home

A woman's place

A woman's place 

A woman's place is in the home

A woman's place is in the home

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NO MORE

Tried to see you yesterday

I had so many things I wanted to say

Yet when I knocked your mother answered the door

Said I can see you no more

Why? I asked her politely

You're not her type, she said, you're too carefree

So take your bunch of wild petunias and go

We don't want you here no more

Now why does it always have to be me

Who gets picked upon just like three

Daisies in a jam jar looking bored

Or three Spanish bullfighters

That have just been gored

Why don't you try helping me

By telling your mother how charming I can be

And maybe the next time that I knock on your door

She won't send me away no more

Now why does it always have to be me

Who gets picked upon just like three

Daisies in a jam jar looking bored

Or three Spanish bullfighters

That have just been gored

Why don't you try helping me

By telling your mother how charming I can be

And maybe the next time that I knock on your door

She won't send me away no more

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IT'S SO EASY TO BE SAD

See the statues in the square

They almost look alive

It's amazing after all these years

How they've survived

Two young children gazing at them

Faces so forlorn

One is saying to the other

I wonder how they're born 

It's funny how we always tend

To look back on our past

As if they were the only good times

That we're ever going to have

See the river heading outwards

Watch the ships sail in

Notice how despite their size

They very rarely sink

Tell the man who's watching with you

His shoelace is undone

When he looks pretend you didn't notice

You were wrong

And anytime there's trouble up ahead

Don't get into a state

Where you wish you were dead

Just take your time and do

What you believe is right

It could turn out to be

A blessing in disguise, disguise

It's funny how we always tend

To overlook the bad

Doesn't anybody know that

It's so easy to be sad

It's so easy to be sad

It's so easy to be sad

Talk about doing what you do best

Seems to me the more you do

The less you get

All told I would say that it was pretty grim

Although on the other hand

I've got a ring

Mass unemployment's at an all time best

Why not quit your job and take a well earned rest

Grow old on the dole

That's the life I need

Everybody's doing it so why not me

_{_________________________________________}

MY FATHER

I shudder to think what my father would think

If he came home and found me in bed

With more then just one

But several of some

Lovely big strawberries

He'll probably shout

Give me a hell of a clout

Or perhaps a good kick up the rear

But one thing's for sure

I'll have to endure

A great deal of pain so to speak

I know it's not right

But for a laugh every night

I knock on people's doors

And shout things like up yours

I'll never know why

But for some reason I

Never did well at school

All I did was break rules and tell lies

His birthday's next week

So I though as a treat

I would buy him his favourite book

It's not one of those poetic prose

Just full frontal nudity

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THE MARRIAGE MACHINE

There will be days

We'll be in each others way

Down each others throats

Like you wouldn't believe

But then who was it said

Married life begins in bed

And ends up somewhat disparagingly

You say to me that you love me truly

I say to you likewise I feel just the same

But then who really knows

When two people get that close

That their feelings to each other

Won't change

I'll kiss you and then I'll kiss you once again

And pray to God once we get married there (there)

 Just won't come a time

When we'll wish we'll have changed our minds

A problem to end all our dreams

I'll kiss you and then I'll kiss you once again

And pray to God once we get married there (there)

  Just won't come a time

When we'll wish we'll have changed our minds

A problem to end all our dreams

So there will be days

We'll be in each other ways

Down each others throats

Just you wait and see

But don't be upset

After all that's what you get

When you become part of The Marriage Machine

Part of The Marriage Machine

_{_________________________________________}

IF YOU EVER

If you ever go to school

Then you'll know that it's a fool

Who believes a teachers pet

Is a pupil like yourself

For if I remember well

My old teachers was a belt

Which he kept around his shoulder blade

There for the mistakes we made

Have you ever been to sea

And been told reluctantly

That if you have one more drink

We're all liable to sink

If you have all I can say

Is have a happy holiday

And don't come back without a tan

Especially from a far off land

Funny old world this

Or haven't you noticed

Everything's glued on

Nothing is screwed on

One day we will come unstuck

But until then we're in luck

If you ever feel the need

To go out and plant a seed

Then by all means go ahead

I won't stop you but instead

I will tell you where to go

And the seeds that you can grow

And by way of payment back I think

You could buy us all a drink

Funny old world this

Or haven't you noticed

Nothing is certain

Gone for a Burton

Something must be done they say

But for the moment it can wait

_{_________________________________________}

THE THING IS

Oh I was walking down the street

When a man came up to me

And said don't I know you?

And I said, well, you might do

But the thing is ooh, the thing is

I don't know you

Now I was driving in my car

And I had not gone very far

When from out of nowhere

I thought I saw a big bear

But the thing is ooh, the thing is

No bear was there

Did somebody here just mention (Hong Kong)

Isn't that the place where Suzi (Wong's from)

I saw the film (and did you like it?)

Well, to be honest I didn't mind it

Now I was sitting back in my chair

When a man came on the air

And said, well, hello there

And, I said, well, hello there

But the thing is (but the thing is)

Ooh, the thing is (ooh, the thing is)

I don't have a radio

I don't have a radio

But I've got a sister in Crewe

I don't have a radio

I don't have a radio

And I've got a brother there, too

Do you?

That's all for now

But before you turn to the other side

You can go out

With a taste of the music I'll provide

There are songs that I've written recently like

It will be done Thy will become

Not This or That or Thee

But something far more mature

Like Victor E

And some that were written previously

Why not hear me

_{_________________________________________}

JUST LIKE ME

There's a swinging little place

On the outskirts of town

There's a rocking little band

That will have you jumping up and down

You just grab your car and take a drive

And you will see

You'll be rocking just like me

If you don't want to dance

You can watch the band play

I can guarantee you they're worth

Every minute of your stay

So just grab your car and take a drive

And you will see

You'll be rocking just like me

Just like me baby just like me

Just like me baby just like me

Just like Little Richard oohing

Just like Chuck Berry cruising

Baby wait and see

Over in the corner

Sitting all on her own

Sits a little lady by the name of Joan

Joan is there to help you

If you need a hand

But only for a price you understand

So if you don't want to dance

You can watch the band play

I can guarantee you they're worth

Every minute of your stay

So just grab your car and take a drive

And you will see

You'll be rocking just like good old me

Just like me baby just like me

Just like me baby just like me

Just like Little Richard oohing

Just like Chuck Berry cruising

Baby wait and see

Just like me baby just like me

Just like me baby just like me

Just like Chuck Berry cruising

Just like Little Richard oohing

Baby wait and see

_{_________________________________________}

VICTOR E

This pleasure book I'm writing

Doesn't give me any thrill

All it does is prove conclusively

Where there's a way there's Will

Who by the way along with Mary

Peter, Patsy, and Paul

Has the cheek to turn the other

When the other was on the ball

It will be done Thy will become

Not This or That or Thee

But something far more mature

Like Victor E

I can't forget the moment

Of my very first affair

When the lights were low

The music so soft Fred, my record player

Began to do the two step

Side by side my prize antique

And before you know it there they were

Engaging cheek to cheek

It will be done Thy will become

Not This or That or Thee

But something far more mature

Like Victor E. 

If ever there's a moment

I feel absolutely sure

That what I'm about to verge upon

Won't rate the least obscure

Then just to recap on that point

I'd like now this to say

When the Indians begin to charge

What will the Cavalry pay

It will be done Thy will become

Not This or That or Thee

But something far more mature

Like Victor E.

It will be done Thy will become

Not This or That or Thee

But something far more mature

Like Victor E.

Victor A. Victor B. Victor C. Victor D. Victor E.

_{_________________________________________}

I WONDER WOULD YOU MIND

Did you ever (never) neither have I

Well, pardon me for breathing but

Would you give me back my cup

You know the one I mean

Yes you do because I've seen you take it out

From time to time

I wonder would you mind

Excuse me Ma'm your hand it's on my knee

Oh would you mind removing it

My collars getting rather stiff

And I'm not one to fuss

But if I don't catch my bus

I'm afraid I won't be home in time

I wonder would you mind

If I asked you for a date

Kept you out three hours late

Would you be happy or upset

Would you no longer have respect for me

Would I just be a danger

On your mark get set all ready go

And don't be such a silly ass

Just because you failed to pass

It doesn't mean to say

You can't try another day

Why even failures pass in time

I wonder would you mind

_{_________________________________________}

15 TIMES

Move along, move along, move along

Said the man with the uniform on

Get away, get away, get away

Said the goldfish to the whale

Oh what have I done now

And the goldfish replied you fool

You're too big for me

And I'm too yellow for you

Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up

Said the greyhound to her pup

What a life, what a life, what a life

Said the husband to his wife

Oh where did we go wrong

And the husband to put it crude

Said you're no fun anymore

And I'm fed up with

You and me and baby makes

3, 4, 5, 6, 7

8, 9, 10 and 11

12, 13, 14, 15 times 44 is 660

And again, and again, and again

Said the masochist to his friend

What a cheek, what a cheek, what a cheek

Said the hen to the Portuguese

Oh what have we done wrong

And the hen replied you fools

You're too many for me

And I'm too chicken for

You and me and baby makes

3, 4, 5, 6, 7

8, 9, 10 and 11

12, 13, 14, 15 times 44 is 660

_{_________________________________________}

NOTHING TO DO ABOUT MUCH

I don't know why I came here on my own

There's so little to do

I'm like a dog without a bone

If I can't get to sleep

I'll just count sheep

Nothing to do about much

I could wander for hours in the rain

I could stand on the corner

Watch the traffic lights change

Boy am I having fun

The green lights just come on

Nothing to do about much

And to tell you the truth I'm not sure

I'm told I've got something

That's difficult to cure

So it seems for the moment at least

I've got to remain where I won't freeze

There's a party at number twenty one

You're invited as long as you're accompanied by someone

But as I'm on my own

I'll just stay at home

Nothing to do about much

Nothing to do about much

And to tell you the truth I'm not sure

I'm told I've got something

That's difficult to cure

So it seems for the moment at least

I've got to remain where I won't freeze

I will bet you a penny to a pound

That before very long

I will be buried underground

Pushing daisies up high oh what a life

Nothing to do about much

Nothing to do about much

I've got gold in my pockets

I've got wind in my hair

I've got so much to be grateful for

Of that I'm aware

I've got dreams which are nothing but

But the weirdest of thoughts

I've got night after night

On which it appears

That I ought not to cry

Don't ask me why

I might lie

_{_________________________________________}

CAN'T GET YOU TO LOVE ME

I can mark time walk a straight line

Grab a mad bull by the nose

I can stand still on an ant hill

And not once get itchy toes

I can even for no reason

Be as nice as I am rude

But I can't get you to love me

I just can't get you to love me

What do I do?

I can stand up put my hand up

Where perhaps it shouldn't be

I can go down to a hoe down?

Have one hell of a yippee

I can also if you must know

Do whatever else I choose

But I can't get you to love me

I just can't get you to love me

What do I do?

All of my life I've been waiting

For a moment like this

And now that I've found it

You know something's amiss

Can't get you to love me

Can't get you to love me

 Can't get you to love me

What do I do?

Can't get you to love me

Can't get you to love me

 Can't get you to love me

What do I do?

I can tell tales hammer toe-nails

Write a letter to the Queen

I can easily and discreetly

Be as charming as obscene

When I feel light 

I can take a fight

But I know one thing for sure

I just can't get you to love me

I just can't get you to love me

What do I do?

All of my life I've been waiting

For a moment like this

And now that I've found it

You know something's amiss

Can't get you to love me

Can't get you to love me

 Can't get you to love me

What do I do?

Can't get you to love me

Can't get you to love me

 Can't get you to love me

What do I do?

_{_________________________________________}

ALWAYS SOMEBODY

Whatever you are, whatever you miss

Whatever you're thinking, whatever it is

Whatever you feel, and whatever you do

Remember there's always somebody

Worse off than you

Always somebody worse off than you

You know that there's always somebody

Worse off than you

_{_________________________________________}

All lyrics and music by Gilbert O'Sullivan